How To Carve Your Pumpkin

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is tomorrow and pumpkins everywhere are busy being stabbed, sliced, jabbed, disemboweled, and carved into outdoor decor for your front porch. Where they’ll sit until they rot and the stench becomes so strong it attracts feral cats and winos.

Pumpkin carving is an art. Most of us see it as a craft and try to DIY it into something cute. Something that makes a child go all “ooh” and “ah.”

That is not the purpose of a pumpkin. Pumpkins don’t want to be cute. Pumpkins don’t want to bring a smile to your face.  Pumpkins want to be the scariest part of your day come October 31.

So when P.U.S. (Pumpkins United Society) contacted me to help get the message across, I agreed. I said I’d take a stab at carving out a post as long as they didn’t hold a knife to my throat. Continue reading

***SPECIAL REPORT*** We’re Fractalling Fubared!!!!


This month on NWR, Floridaborne takes on Halloween and the headlines. All in one wicked funny post. She went beyond what management could have asked for. But she totally ignored them and this is what happened. Check it out over on The Nudge Wink Report!

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

This is my post for Halloween because not even Godzilla is scarier than what I’m about to tell you.


 Is it my imagination or is this country fractalling fubared?

What the hell has happened to the idea that there’s such a thing as common sense (a state of being that cannot be replaced by common core)?

Take, for example, the headlines I read on Saturday morning while doing an in-depth 10 minute search for my monthly contribution as a ***SPECIAL REPORTER***:


  • Creepy Utah School Asked Its Students To Spy On Their Families, Take Inventory Of Medicine Cabinet (Middle school students were given forms to use and told to list what was in their parents medicine cabinet).
  • Study: Smoking Cannnabis Causes Complete Remission of Crohn’s Disease in 45% of Patients. (Yet another reason Big Pharma wants to keep it out of your hands).
  • Man Calls A Suicide Prevention Hotline…

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Pistorius, The Soap Opera


This week on NWR, Oma gives us his thoughts on the Oscar Pistorius trial. This story had legs but, apparently, the verdict did not. Head over to The Nudge Wink Report now. It’s a punny read.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

The long legal soap opera known as the Oscar Pistorius trial finally ended this week.

You know, if it were anyone else, I’d never make this joke. (original cartoon by Sam Gross, National Lampoon 1970)

The Pistorius show is the second most significant contribution that South Africa has made to the cultures of other nations. For those who are curious, that nation’s third most significant contribution is the vuvuzela and the greatest contribution is Ladysmith Black Mombazo’s singing on Paul Simon’s Graceland album.

The lead character, Pistorius, was a legless paralympic athlete (nicknamed “The Blade Runner” because of his metallic artificial legs) who shot his live in girlfriend through their bathroom door in the show’s first episode. His reason for the shooting was never clear. The producers left it an open question. Fans argued over which of the theories presented during the show were the motive – domestic violence or…

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Pimp My Hangover


This week on NWR, Tom share with you how you can drink responsibly. Excuse me. Please wait for a moment. [whispering from Dave and an infographic flogged in my face by Oma while Dave snorts laughter quietly in the corner -- FloridaBorne just shakes her head]
Sorry. I miswrote that first sentence. This week on NWR, Tom shares with us how to recover from not drinking responsibly. It involves scantily -clad nurses and a bus. Right now Eva is thinking maybe she should have kept her turn in the posting schedule after all. Check it out RIGHT NOW over on The Nudge Wink Report.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

This is the kind of nurse you get if attacked by a hamburger in Las Vegas.
There is no shortage of nurses in Las Vegas.

Your originally scheduled content regarding Invisible Art has been preempted because this author fell for a hoax perpetrated by some radio DJs. Radio DJs!!! Who knew DJs could still be relevant?! I don’t even own a radio. And I was going to give you all an exclusive FirstPlay of my entirely silent album entitled Mum’s The Word, too. Oh well, your loss. I need a drink. –Ed.

What Happens In Vegas … Holy Mother Of God

Since the time of antiquity when humans first learned they could coax liver damage out of fruit there have been hangovers. After all you can never have too much of a good thing. It was good enough for my daddy and his daddy before him and his daddy’s daddy so it’s good enough for me.

By the way, I’ve never had a hangover. True…

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What Happens When You Get Gum On The Pause Button

This is what happens: life gets sticky. And there’s nothing for it but to come clean with a blog-fessional.

Forgive me WordPress but it’s been [pause for counting: 1, 2, 3, 4...] too freaking long since I’ve offered up a slice of my soul for the indigestion of my legions of readers and faithful followers.

I pondered all weekend about whether I’d bore you with the details of the whys and the hows. And then I thought, everyone around here knows all about it so why shouldn’t you be in on the know?

My body got stuck in the land of misery and angst after 12-rounds with someone I’ll call, “Nick the Neck.” He arrived with a side order of high blood pressure and a daily dish of headache.

It’s been such fun.

Report it to who? They never tell you that part…

For over six months now, I’ve suffered from severe neck pain. I haven’t been able to write, or even sit up for extended periods. I could only send longing looks to my laptop as it languished in the corner, feeling ignored and unloved.

After many visits to my doctor, prodding and poking and talking about “stress,” he finally sent me for comprehensive blood work. You know that sheet the doctor fills out? Where he ticks off the boxes for the type of blood work he wants done? My doctor ticked off every box on the sheet. Continue reading

|: attention must be paid :|


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