Nine Twelve Thirteen

Sorry to disappoint but that title is not the date of the new-and-improved Rapture. It’s the days this month that I missed BlogADay2011 due to vacation-itis. Color me not too concerned. I’m just going to write three posts and post them over the next few days as an ongoing story…I don’t want you to get bored.

It’s not like they have a blog-a-day recon force roaming WordPress. It’s not like they’re talking about me in some obscure chat room plotting my imminent demise.

Or are they?

The military look is so not me.

Being in a big city the past week or so made me realize YOU. ARE. NEVER. ALONE.

When you’re staying with people while on vacation, there are certain obligations. You are expected to spend time with them, cook at least one meal and make their lives the topic of most conversations. I’m good with that. When you put that up against the outrageous price of a hotel room, it’s basically a cheap date.

However, there is very little privacy or time to yourself. As a guest, you feel like you’re on-call…with performances scheduled all day and all night.

Especially when you stay with the Lady and her Mister.

(The Lady and her Mister are two friends of my Mister that I inherited when we met. They are nice people but the Lady drives me bat shit. I’ll write more about her later.)

First, there’s the breakfast meeting. This is full of conversation about how you slept, was the bed comfortable, did we figure out how to open the window and what would we like for breakfast.

You can never say, “Just coffee.” That is not acceptable. Because that answer leads to a 20-minute rundown of what’s on offer. In the end, you cave and the plate is set in front of you and you finally have a cup of coffee in your hand, and the conversation turns to…

What do you want to do today?

Sleeping. It's an art...and my personal lifestyle choice.

You can never say, “I’d like to spend an hour online writing my blog post.” This leads to questions like, “But you haven’t done anything with us yet…what’s to write about?” Little do they know just sitting there, I’m writing as they speak. For this blog. They assume I’m referring to ourlifedaily. And, since that blog is about our life and travels, and we’re sitting right in front of them, they are “in the moment” so there’s no need to “write about this now…do it later.” Of course, later becomes never as they start to list all the fun things they planned for our visit. Here’s a few suggestions:

1. Go with them while they take their dog to the groomers.

(They have a miniature poodle. It could fit in a bar sink. Why not just slosh him around in there for five minutes and call it a day?)

2. Pack up a lunch and go sit on their boat.

(It’s at a mooring and there would be no leaving the mooring. The Lady of the house doesn’t like to sail yet they have a boat. This means the Mister and her Mister would go below and start tinkering with the motor or talk about wiring or whatever. That would leave me sitting on the deck, in the wind, listening to the Lady. She talks…a lot. I’m not kidding.)

3. Go with them to the grocery store to pick up something that WE’LL be cooking for dinner.

(We like to cook for other people. It’s our way of saying “thanks.” Usually, we just tell them when to show up. Not with the Lady. She needs to know what we’ll be cooking then proceeds to tell us why she won’t be eating that. She’s also cheap. Yes, I could say she “watches her pennies” but she really is cheap. They have a better income than us…actually, they are quite well off. That comes from being cheap, I guess. I don’t think we’ve ever had a meal out together…because that would mean paying. More on that later.)

4. Spend the afternoon with their neighbors.

(Who have two totally non-obedience trained Airedale terriers who think your leg is a humping bag. Who hog the best seats and bark all the fucking time. Who leave dog hair all over your clothes. Who have owners who dress them up in little outfits and who talk to them like babies. Suddenly, I have an urge to suck on a bottle of warm milk.)

Like a visit to a hardware store, not paying for a hotel stay is like a cheap date. It gives me a happy. You just have to hold on to that feeling when staying with the Mister’s friends.

And besides, saving money on a room means I have money to spend on me. Which leads me to July 9th.

On July 9th we were heading downtown and got clocked in the windshield with a big rock. It came off the back of a gravel truck and landed on the passenger side leaving a lovely huge ding and the beginning of a crack. You could tell just by looking at it that it was going to spread fast. Like hips that have spent too much time at Dairy Queen. It had to be fixed right away. We found an Apple Auto Glass nearby and we were able to book an appointment for later that day. Then, we had the pleasure of calling our insurance people just to see how much this was going to cost.

– TO BE CONTINUED