Warm ocean breezes, sandy beaches and unlimited alcoholic beverages. Now you’re talking my language.
It’s time for Let’s Play Desert Island. You know the game — you’re stranded on a desert island and you can only take 10 things/people/whatever with you. But, because I like to be difficult as often as possible, we’ll play in reverse.
Top Ten Things I Don’t Want With Me When Stranded On A Desert Island
10. Mitt Romney — The man’s a Mormon. I’m an atheist. Every seven days he’d be trying to fit me for LDS garments and I like to sleep in the nude. Plus, no washing machines. Seven days of wearing the same underwear? Can you say ewww?
9. Decaf coffee — I’m stranded on a desert island. I don’t think drinking decaf is going to lower my stress level. I’ll want full-bore espresso at least twice a day so I’ll be ready to go and full of energy for when really cute Coast Guard cadets come to my rescue.
8. Room service — Well, duh. I don’t have a room so I don’t have a hallway to leave my dirty dishes.
7. Celery — I just don’t get celery. Do you know some people eat it with Cheese Whiz? What’s up with that? Putting something that doesn’t taste like cheese on something that doesn’t taste like anything.
6. An award-winning book – I could die out here any minute and you want me to read a book written by someone who uses 72 words to describe a bowel movement? The urge to edit would be overwhelming and, of course, me without my red pen.
5. George Clooney — Please. The man drops women every 20 seconds. He has the attention span of a dung beetle. Would you want to be stuck on an island with no place to lick your wounds after he dumped you on day one? Now, if I could have him with a case of recurring amnesia, then you be wiggling a different eyebrow. Every day he’d discover you all over again. That would be…exhausting. But hey…desert island. What else is there to do?
4. Survivor voted-off cast members — Do I need to spell it out for you? Those people were the original reality tv stars. There’s nothing they wouldn’t do for ratings. Like eat me. (And not in a good way.)
3. Toilet paper — I think in this situation it’s best to adapt to your surroundings as quickly as possible. The sooner you get over any sanitary taboos, the better. Only…when I finally get rescued, don’t shake my hand in congratulations.
2. A vibrator — Now you would think I’d want one with me. But unless it’s solar-powered, having a battery-operated vibrator would just be too depressing. I mean…it would totally ruin the moment to constantly be listening for that change in tone…the one that means the battery is running down. I’m just not that strong.
And the number one thing I don’t want with me if stranded on a desert island?
1. An empty martini glass — That would be beyond cruel. Being stranded isn’t enough? You have to taunt me, too? Damn you. Damn you to hell. Damn you to a desert island full of celery and Survivor rejects.