Seven questions James Lipton would ask me if he knew who I was

In case you missed my appearance over at Oma’s blog, Blurt, here’s my guest post for your reading pleasure. I had a great time snooping around, reading all the other guest bloggers and eating jelly doughnuts. I did clean up after myself (unlike some people I will not name) but I’m glad he’ll be back Monday. I missed him.

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They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I say if you show up at an award ceremony wearing the same dress that I have draped over my voluptuous curves, you better have flame-retardant dainties on ’cause I carry a blowtorch in my clutch.

I have top billing in the film that is my life. And if James Lipton would just pick up the phone and call me to book me on his show, Inside the Actors’ Studio, I’d tell him all about it.

You know James. The urban and oh so laid back bon vivant who somehow manages to book the top celebrities and show biz illuminati for his television show. He leads them on a fun-filled reminisce about their rise to fame and fortune and they, when he gives them a chance to get a word in edgewise, pretty much agree with all he has to say. The show ends with James inviting some of the acting students to ask questions of the guest and then he gets down and dirty with seven questions that are very predictable but who doesn’t want to know Meryl Streep’s favorite curse word? I know I was hanging over the edge of my ottoman waiting for the answer.

It’s all a bit of a love-fest fiesta and I want me some of that. Now if he’d only have his people call my people…

In the meantime, to prepare for when that call comes, I thought I’d share with you my philosophy on life. Along with the answers to all James’ questions.

Brief detour.

Did you know that James used to write for the soaps? This guy wrote for some prime afternoon shows like Another World and Guiding Light. I was never much of a soaps girl but I do remember something about Susan Lucci from All My Children getting the most nominations for the Daytime Emmys. I think the total was 21. She got the nod once. She’s plucky, I’ll give her that. I think I would have found another creative outlet by the time I hit…oh, I don’t know. Five? Six? An even dozen?

She’s now writing her autobiography, All My Life. Isn’t that a unique title. Wonder where she got the idea? (Oops. Sorry. Bit of snark crept in there while I wasn’t paying attention.)

Okay. detour ended. I’m in the chair. Ice water is poured. Is the camera on? Here we go.

I have a philosophy. Want to know my philosophy?

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

As a philosophy goes, this is not as bad as some and better than most. And when it comes in a package like this…well. So as you continue reading, picture me in this dress…wearing sunglasses and with a chilled martini glass in hand.

1. What sound do you love?

Whoa, James. Starting out with the tough love question! Wow…there are so many sounds I love. If you asked people who know me best, they’d say it’s the sound of my own voice. But…buzzzz! Wrong answer…which come to think of it means my people don’t know my person very well.

(pause to chew on that one for a moment)

I mean my voice is nice and everything but is that the sound I love most? Let me ponder.

(slightly longer pause)

Okay. They’re kinda right. So let me think of something inanimate.

I got one. Champagne cork. I mean, what’s not to love? You got a cork popping it means there’s something to celebrate. Weddings, babies, getting fired from a really lousy job. All good things to celebrate. Plus, drinking Champagne is like drinking giggles. And it tickles going down.

2. What sound do you hate?

You know the sound a car makes when someone who doesn’t know how to drive a manual transmission tries to drive a manual transmission? That grinding noise just before the engine quits with a shudder and a shake? It’s the sound of the engine begging and pleading for mercy. I hate that sound. It’s like death to me. I learned to drive on a stick shift. My fondest memory of those early days of me and my little red Mustang hatchback is when my best friend told me I drive like a seventeen-year-old Italian boy. I took it as a huge compliment. Still do.

3. What is your favorite word?

Splendiferous. I once had a boss (a former English teacher) who accused me of making up this word when I used it in a client presentation. The pleasure I took in whipping out a dictionary, flipping the pages and pointing was almost criminal. It was a very good day.

4. What is your least favorite word?

Nouns that get morphed into verbs by the use of a straight jacket and a hammer. The word dialogue comes to mind. How’s that word usage for an audience of aspiring actors? When people say “let’s dialogue” when what they really mean is talk…it drives me completely insane!

5. What is your favorite curse word?

Well…actually I have two that I interchange depending on the severity of the infraction. One is a British slang term for a part of the male anatomy. Usually of the beast variety. Can I say this on television? Okay…bollucks.

The other one? I can’t say it out loud. There may be Moms watching.

6. What turns you on?

Oh, this is so easy. And a bit personal, James. I’m not sure we know each other well enough to be sharing secrets like this.

However, if it helps fellow thespians I’ll spill. What turns me on is the same thing that turns every blogger on…being mistaken for a really popular, award-winning blogger only with better hair and a proper grasp of the English language. Oh! Oh! I heard those gasps. Please! Can’t people take a joke? This is why we bloggers need a sarcasm font.

7. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

It’s been a bumper year. You’ll have to bunk with Karl Urban.

We’re gonna have a good time tonight. It’s alright. Everyyy-one a-rrrround the world, come on! It’s a celebration! (Sorry, Madonna.)

See? I would so totally rock that interview. Mine would be the tape they’d use to show future celebs and up-and-comings stars and starlets how it’s done. I can see the promos now!

Wait a second. Did you hear that? I think it’s my phone…

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I hope you got a giggle out of this one. I had a blast writing it, and having it appear on Omawarisan’s blog, Blurt, was a dream come true.

Thanks, Oma! You will soon be one of my BOOBS! (Blogs of Other Bloggers.) I know…take a moment to embrace the insanity.