It was worth a shot. Anything to distract you from insisting I explain myself.
By now you’ve figured out that when I said I’d be “closed for the holidays” I forgot to mention that “holidays” included Chinese New Year and any other holiday season that ends around the time I decide to get back to blogging. I’m sure there are many. Please say there are many. Please send me a list.
Please don’t make me join the BBA.
Please don’t make me take the 12-step solution offered by Bad Bloggers Anonymous. I’m not that bad. A little slip here or there does not make me a bad blogger. By my last count, it’s been three times. JUST THREE TIMES! Three is nothing. Three is like…30 per cent. Thirty per cent is barely cause for comment. No need to call out the K9 squad and send them out to track me down like I was some kind of CRIMINAL!
[cue: dogs barking]
I admit that I’ve fallen by the wayside on this road to blog bliss. I fell off the blog wagon and I succumbed to the charms of another.
I’m speaking, of course, about The God of…home renovation. [cue: ominous music soundtrack (which would be really cool if I could figure out how to get a dum-dum-DUM! sound to blast from your speakers just as your eyes reach this part of my
excuse explanation.) Old GHR is a hard taskmaster…Jesus got nothing on this guy. He gives no quarter (rounds) and demands total submission to the faith.
It’s been forty days and forty nights but the Mister and I finally moved the bed from the living room back into our newly refreshed bedroom. We’re not totally done…still window and door trim to put up…but it’s looking good and I’m on a bit of a high so I’m going to come clean and admit it.
My name is Blogdramedy and I’m a bad blogger.
Whew. What a relief to get that off my not insubstantial chest! I’m a bad blogger. I’ll say it again…I’M A BAD BLOGGER! Can I get an Amen?
Now that I’ve owned up to the truth, I guess I have to go all the way and commit myself to The Program. A 12-step solution offered by Bad Bloggers Anonymous; subsection: home renovators and the power tools that hate them.
Step One: I admitted I was powerless over home renovation—that my life had become unmanageable. (The smell of sawdust was like catnip to me.)
Step Two: Came to believe that a power (tool) greater than myself could restore me to sanity. (Excuse me but…so not true. If anything, it drove me deeper into the abyss. Okay, okay…just saying.)
Step Three: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. (I can barely understand the instructions that came with my wet saw never mind God. Next!)
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (This one was easy and took next to no time. I have none…and I finally found the spare pack of nails for my nail gun. Bonus!)
Step Five: Admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. (Another easy one. I’m perfect…the Mister tells me so every day.)
Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. (Sheesh…he’s getting off easy with me. I’m totally spoiling him for future bad bloggers. You are welcome.)
Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings. (And then I showed him how I mix martinis. He’d been doing it all wrong for eons.)
Step Eight: Made a list of all power tools I had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. (I sprayed them with oil and wrapped them up in electrical tape…the party’s still going on.)
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such tools wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. (Which means I totally blew out our electrical panel. Twice.)
Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong promptly admitted it. (I lost 5 lbs…but you won’t hear me bragging about that.)
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power tools to carry that out. (The God I understand would get me a gift certificate to Home Depot. I’ll pray for that.)
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I tried to carry this message to other bad bloggers, and to practice these principles in all my affairs. (I don’t have affairs. I’m married. But I get the drift…the next time Karl Urban decides to do a little home renovation, I’ll strap on my tool belt. That’s all. Just my tool belt. And we’ll see who gets drilled first.)
If you’ve stayed with me this long, I think you will have come to the same conclusion I did after this little exercise. Am I really a bad blogger?