Imagine my shock when I realized I’d missed the greatest show on earth.
The Red Carpet at the Oscars.
Totally missed the awards show Sunday night…we don’t have cable and I could have followed along online but total mind blank. After downing a couple of glasses of wine to calm my frayed nerves, I clicked over to Huffington Post with my glasses freshly polished.
You imagined my shock…now imagine my disappointment. My internal dialogue went something like this:
“Ah…no.”
“Ah…definitely no.”
“Oh. My. God. No.”
“Wholly fucking Batman.”
“Salma…what were you thinking?”
Repeat. Repeat. And repeeeeat.
This year, the Red Carpet was red for a reason. Shame and embarrassment that ladies normally so put together showed up wearing what they wore. To say that 98 per cent of the gowns looked like they fell off the back of a turnip truck would be an insult to turnips.
Part of the fun of the Oscar Red Carpet is picking out the best-dressed celebrity. Well, scratch that. There wasn’t one. There were two that caught my attention. Jennifer in red…
Not everyone can pull off this shade of red. Tomatoes everywhere applaud.
And Charlize in white.
Nice but it would look better on me. I have a slightly larger bust.
My usual go-to girls seriously let me down.
Please tell me Nicole’s original dress caught fire and this was all she could get on short notice. Please tell me that.
Halle’s normally exquisite good taste must have been sucked out of her due to child custody issues with her ex. Take a hit out on the guy and get over it.
Perky has no place at the Oscar Awards.
Of course, sometimes you can’t even pay through the nose for style. I give Helena credit for grasping that and living through the moment in this.
Living too long with Tim Burton has had an effect.
And then it was too much dress, and not enough woman. Sorry Kristen. It’s time to accept the fact you are not Elle MacPherson. Good things DO come in small packages.
Then the opposite…too much woman and not enough dress. Brandi (with an “i”) should be asking herself why (with a “y”).
Finally, my biggest disappointment of the whole les miserables evening. Somewhere…somehow…some one started the patently false belief that blondes can wear yellow. Blondes cannot wear yellow. Yes, some of you out there are blondes and are screaming at your screen right now, “Yo. Bitch. I too so can wear yellow. I’m wearing yellow right now and people tell me I can wear yellow. So you are SOOOO wrong!”
I will admit that you’d think blondes can wear yellow. Intellectually it just seems right. And when I look at a blonde wearing yellow I really, really almost think it works. But it just doesn’t. Almost is not good enough, Jane. Not for Oscar night.
See Jane smile. See Jane walk. See Jane cry when she saw this photo in Monday’s Variety.
The guys came off much better. Of course there isn’t much you can do to totally fuck up a tux. Except this:
Quentin, man…I love you like a brother but seriously. Who dressed you? Oh…wait. Never mind. I think she’s standing next to you.
Did you watch the Oscar Awards? Did I miss much?
It was Sunday evening. My wife and I were sitting at the dining room table enjoying some dinner. The TV was off. Suddenly I realized that the Oscars were about to start. I kept my mouth shut.
I did a lot of research on Brandi’s dress. You know she designed that thing herself? FTW!
You are so thoughtful…not wanting to ruin a lovely romantic dinner with the Mrs. I’m sure she appreciated you keeping quiet.
As for Brandi’s dress…I wish she’d done as much research as you…enough to know to leave design work to real designers.
Really, you didn’t miss much. I watched parts of the red carpet while making dinner, then I watched the first 1/2 hour when they finally gave out “Best Supporting Actor”. After that I went to another TV to watch “Republic of Doyle” (excellent Canadian program anyone in their right mind would prefer to watch) and it wasn’t a re-run like most of the other alternate options. I pretty much came back for the last several awards and that was that.
There were a couple of dresses that weren’t too bad but my question is “What the hell happened to everyone’s hair?” Did the hairdressers fall off the planet. Maybe it was …makeups done, get in the dress, oops forgot about the hair…oh, well, no time now. Maybe nobody will notice.
I was going to do a riff on the hair but then I thought…people watching will know the hair’s so bad due to all the raking-hands-through-hair mussing that happened once the ladies saw themselves in the dresses.
I should have added to this post…”if you don’t appreciate sarcasm, move along.” Because…some people just don’t and I don’t want them to waste their time here when they could be wasting time somewhere else.
I’m nice and thoughtful that way.
I don’t know if it’s lightning or photo manipulation but the carpet colors vary quite a bit in these shots. Red carpets are good for drinking red wine I’ve heard.
Everything in la-la land is a manipulation. Bonus points for the “red carpet/red wine” comment.
We considered DVR’ing it and tuning in later and catching up while forwarding through the boring parts and commercials. That plan was a little more involved than we were willing to commit to, so no.
I’m starting to think we didn’t miss much. Which is sad because I used to love watching the Oscars. I had a friend and every year we’d make our pics on the winners and the loser bought the winner a year’s subscription to Premiere Magazine. Great fun.
Oh — and I thought my new girlfriend, Jessica Chastain, looked FABULOUS.
Yes…I think she was the only one with well-groomed hair.
I am not sure if it’s Jane being blonde or Jane being Jane. I like her dress though. Quentin’s date/daughter/lover looks like she’s playing dress-ups.
I’ve been a fan of Jane for years and been impressed with her style. She always looks fabulous but this dress was just wrong. Maybe it was the lighting?
It’s her exercise videos, isn’t it? I must admit I have fallen into the Fonda Fitness trap. I can’t quite muster liking her though… it’s one of those social dilemmas that I have been too apathetic to form a solid opinion on. You know what I am talking about right?
I followed her on Twitter for a while and I liked what she had to say. Her interviews are always interesting plus she usually looks fab. I’ve never seen any of her videos but she looks great at her age.
I’d tell you what you missed, but I don’t really have any idea myself. I ABHOR awards shows, and the Oscars is the grandaddy of them all. Despite my revulsion at all things Oscar, I’m 1/2 way done with a post about it myself, and it includes the same photo of Brandi that you used. My angle on the whole thing is considerably different than yours, since I have the fashion sense of the great Stevie Wonder.
So we are either great minds or fools. Is that what you’re telling me?
Definitely great minds…but consider the source.
The Source…isn’t that like Best Buy? What? We’re electronic devices now?
The Source for Discount Carpet Remnants and Discontinued Laminate Flooring. just minutes from all the bridges!
Wow! You “floor” me with your knowledge.
My fave dress was on Clooney’s girlfriend, what’s her name. She looked gorgeous. I hate that woman.
Get in line.
Thanks for making me laugh.I’m actually getting all my Oscar news from your post. This year I had an emergency situation involving a loose button on one of my shirts. That had to be attended to before I could dedicate my undivided attention to this important event.
I like that you know what’s truly important in life.