The cloak of religious persuasion is not something you’d find in my closet. I’m sure Shirley MacLaine wore her curls too tight during her love affair with reincarnation. However, there is something intriguing about the possibility of an afterlife. A chance to finesse a spiritual do-over.
In my next life, I want to live in Texas.
With its wide open spaces, I could hit the hills in a pickup truck wearing my custom-tooled cowboy boots. I’ll learn to pluck out a tune on a guitar and ride a mechanical bull. I already know how I’ll earn my daily crust. I’ll invest in a slow-cook barbecue restaurant and I’ve found the company to do my truck signage.
Hornet Signs in Waco, Texas, came out with a tailgate optical illusion sign that’s been stopping traffic at four-corner intersections across the state. They’ve taken advantage of the miracle of Photoshop and computer graphics to create an image of a hog-tied woman in the bed of a pickup truck.
Hogs everywhere in Texas are rolling in muck in protest of this bold marketing move. The sign company’s been overwhelmed with negative calls about the inappropriate nature of the imagery. I don’t know why.
Nothing says Texas like a bound and gagged woman in the back of a truck. With this promotional decal, Hornet Signs were hoping to ride this bull to fame, and not a little fortune. This is good marketing. I’m the first to admit we are a mouthy lot so it’s gratifying to know a company discovered an effective way to have us shut the hell up.
But apparently, not effective enough. After the outcry generated by the ad, Hornet Signs decided to destroy their original work of art (?) and apologized for “messing up.” That’s one way to phrase it. Another is, “sales are gonna skyrocket!“
Stop for a moment and bend your mind to the opportunities! Planning a cremation but you’re such a party girl you still want a viewing? Cue the gold-plated casket with you looking the best you’ve ever looked. These guys can make anything look better than the original.
This is why I’m going to hire Hornet Signs to create all my barbecue restaurant signage. After much thought, I decided not to use an image of a hog-tied woman. I’m going to ask for something a bit more out there: a hog-tied hog. They can trot out one of the top contenders for the original ad before it was decided a woman was more photogenic.
While I’m sure a woman would work just as well to drive business to my restaurant, I’ve never cooked woman.
I’ve never tasted woman. I haven’t the faintest idea of what temperature to cook her at or what kind of sauce to use. Would she be best served with a spicy sauce or something more smokey on the palate?
If I got it wrong, my restaurant would be hog-tied before the coals got hot.
That’s not good business practice.
I also don’t want to infringe of the target market of kidnappers. As an entrepreneur in the risky business of restaurant management, it’s not a good idea to send out mixed messages in your advertisements. While a hog-tied pig may generate calls to PETA, I’ll have the correct paperwork on my pig. I don’t want police to be inundated with 9-1-1 calls about kidnapped pigs.
My diner will be safe until some rancher’s hog goes missing.
I’ve thought up a solution for that. All hogs used in my promotional posters will be required to wear happy face stickers with their hoof print stamped under their name. This list of approved pigs will be with the driver at all times. If kidnappers are smart, they’ll use this idea so there’s no confusion when the po-po roll up and flag them down on the highway. “Only transporting legally registered female parts, Officer.”
But I do want to fit in with the open-range lifestyle. The right boots and pickup truck will only get me so far. That’s why my menu will feature slow-cooked sow and I’ll offer ladies who show up with a hog tie a “buy one; get one free” deal on Thursday nights. Now that’s what I call hospitality, Texas-style.