I live with a man who is regular. By that I mean he regularly gets up at 5am. He does this every morning. The alarm goes off and look out…he’s up and googling.
Look...a worm! See what you're missing?
This is one of the many things we don’t have in common. We’re one of those “opposites attract” relationships and it works for us. Except for the morning bird / night owl parts of our personalities.
For years, the Mister couldn’t understand why I’m not a morning person. At first, he was encouraging.
He’d come into the bedroom and say things like, “Looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day. If you get up now you can watch the sun come up!” All positive and upbeat.
Like the sun doesn’t rise EVERY day and I was going to miss out on something LARGE.
He tried this line every day for a week…regular…like clockwork. I ignored him and went back to sleep.
Next, he tried temptation. “Babe, you’re so soft and warm in the mornings…it’s the best part of my day.” Silence. “Studies have shown that women love morning sex. Let’s prove them right.” Yeah…another study done by men so they can increase their chances of getting laid. Snore. “Come on…it won’t take long. Just a few minutes then you can go back to sleep.”
He almost had me on that one but sadly, for him, the sarcastic side of my brain was now awake. “A few minutes? You should be ashamed of yourself.”
I rolled over.
However, the Mister can be crafty. He moved on to the hard-core stuff. Sleeping peacefully one morning, dreaming I’d won the lotto and decorating my dream house, I began to feel like someone was in the house with me. I was in that pre-wake state when you can sometimes consciously make your subconscious toe the line. But the feeling persisted. It started to freak me out. I slowly cracked open my eyes to see the Mister’s face inches from my own. He was peering at me like I was an experiment gone wrong. All quizzical and wondering. In his hand was a cup of coffee and he was softly blowing the steam at my face.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I bellowed. “Can’t you see I’m sleeping?” Perhaps not the best response but fuck, I was sleeping. He back pedaled his ass out of there, dripping coffee all over the rug. “Sorry. I was making coffee and thought you’d like a cup in bed.” It was 5:16am and he’d been up for half an hour. I felt bad but it didn’t last. I went back to sleep.
The next few months were just variations on a theme. His songbook included cooking, making phone calls, watching stupid cat videos and commenting, out loud, on political articles on Huffington Post. He knows I’m a political junkie so he’d purposefully read out quotes from Glenn Beck. He thought that last part was going to be the winner. Poor sap. He didn’t know who he was dealing with.
If you think a kiss is going to get me up, you're been reading the wrong fairy tales.
Over time, he came to realize that I’m at my best late afternoon and into the evening. That’s when I’m most creative and productive. I realize I’m a freak. Working was hell as everyone around me was a morning person. Staff meetings were always in the mornings…unless I was acting director. Then, I’d schedule meetings at 3pm and totally got things done my way…everyone else had used up their daily quota of brain sells in the morning hours so I was able to ram my ideas through without challenge. Life was good back then. *sigh*
He gets up quietly in the mornings now. He’s learned to keep an ear cocked for sounds of movement and can now time my appearance down to the second. By the time I’m up and in my robe, he has a fresh pot of coffee brewing and totally ignores me when I make my entrance. It took years but the wait was worth the effort.
Until last night.
“I need you to get me up at 3am.”
If I’d said, “I just realized I’m bisexual and I’d like us to have sex with another woman” he couldn’t have been more surprised.
I could see his every thought as it came into his head. First, shock. Three in the morning? This is a test. I must have woken her up the last few mornings before she was ready. Then, puzzled. Why 3am? What’s happening at 3am? Is there a shoe sale I’m not aware of? If she expects me to drive her, she’s got another thing coming. He then quickly assumed I was joking. She’s such a kidder…that’s why I love this woman.
“I’m not joking.”
He finally got that I was serious. He took it well. “You know, you’re not used to getting up that early. It’s not going to be easy. Why so early?”
“I know it’s not going to be easy. You think I WANT to get up in the middle of the night? You think I WANT to interrupt the best part of my day with being awake? I paid to download the new Mac operating system, Lion, and I can only do it between 3am and 8am.”
“That’s when we can download stuff without limits on size or speed through our Internet system.”
“We can only download a certain amount every day. Surely you’ve noticed the system slows down sometimes? Well, that happens when we go over our limit and I was checking our service package online and noticed there’s 5 hours every day when we can download and the time is not applied against our limit.”
Comprehension finally bloomed and he got it. But as I got ready for bed, I could tell he was slightly disappointed that the only thing that could get me up so early was updating my operating system.
Maybe next time I’ll invite a “friend” over and we can “play Doctor” while I’m downloading. I mean…if I can’t sleep at least he can dream.