How To Carve Your Pumpkin

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is tomorrow and pumpkins everywhere are busy being stabbed, sliced, jabbed, disemboweled, and carved into outdoor decor for your front porch. Where they’ll sit until they rot and the stench becomes so strong it attracts feral cats and winos.

Pumpkin carving is an art. Most of us see it as a craft and try to DIY it into something cute. Something that makes a child go all “ooh” and “ah.”

That is not the purpose of a pumpkin. Pumpkins don’t want to be cute. Pumpkins don’t want to bring a smile to your face.  Pumpkins want to be the scariest part of your day come October 31.

So when P.U.S. (Pumpkins United Society) contacted me to help get the message across, I agreed. I said I’d take a stab at carving out a post as long as they didn’t hold a knife to my throat. Continue reading How To Carve Your Pumpkin

What Happens When You Get Gum On The Pause Button

This is what happens: life gets sticky. And there’s nothing for it but to come clean with a blog-fessional.

Forgive me WordPress but it’s been [pause for counting: 1, 2, 3, 4…] too freaking long since I’ve offered up a slice of my soul for the indigestion of my legions of readers and faithful followers.

I pondered all weekend about whether I’d bore you with the details of the whys and the hows. And then I thought, everyone around here knows all about it so why shouldn’t you be in on the know?

My body got stuck in the land of misery and angst after 12-rounds with someone I’ll call, “Nick the Neck.” He arrived with a side order of high blood pressure and a daily dish of headache.

It’s been such fun.

NeckPain
Report it to who? They never tell you that part…

For over six months now, I’ve suffered from severe neck pain. I haven’t been able to write, or even sit up for extended periods. I could only send longing looks to my laptop as it languished in the corner, feeling ignored and unloved.

After many visits to my doctor, prodding and poking and talking about “stress,” he finally sent me for comprehensive blood work. You know that sheet the doctor fills out? Where he ticks off the boxes for the type of blood work he wants done? My doctor ticked off every box on the sheet. Continue reading What Happens When You Get Gum On The Pause Button

Champagne, Sparkling Wine & Lady Beer – A Love Story

(Today it’s Wine-ology Part Three: The Final Chapter, brought to you by Loie over at CheapWineCurious. She saved the best for last. Enjoy! — BD)

A Tome on the Taxonomic Rank of Carbon Dioxide in the Production of Effervescent Alcoholic Refreshment 

IMG_6835

This is the finale of my wine trilogy for Blogdramedy. I have loved every hard earned word written in these posts because I have convinced myself that there are actually people reading them. This fin de siècle is dedicated to all those gentle readers who indulged my obscure references, endured spasms of the urinary tract due to my hilarity, and suffered inferiority complexes upon reflection of the refinement and wittery of this series of posts.

I applaud you for taking personal interest in you betterment by building your gastronomic repertoire and stretching your threshold for insufferable assholery. I know, I know, who likes a know it all – even I suffer from self hated and loathing but alas, I’m sure Gynneth Paltrow and Blake Lively all had a split nano-second of self reflection before they launched their “lifestyle brands.” The thought of “helping people” allowed them to snap out of their funk and espouse relevant, down to Earth, aspirational guidance to the everyday woman, who happens to be of a privileged class, a celebrity and unusually beautiful by even Western standards. Through this resilience, they have become the subject of idolatry that is pop culture in earnest. Hey, I totally get it. Kudos, you gals have guts! I only have brain matter, but I put it to use and to protect my only asset, I aways wear a bicycle helmet while riding about town although it makes me look dorky. We all have our crosses to bear and f’d up hair days. Continue reading Champagne, Sparkling Wine & Lady Beer – A Love Story

Two things that don’t make sense to me.

Blogdramedy:

Today on NWR, Floridaborne talks sense. Who’s got it and who hasn’t. She used remarkable restraint at only listing two things that don’t make sense. Staff at The Nudge Wink Report are all astonishment. *wink* Check it out and see if her post makes sense.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

NUMBER 1

The following sign:

 smoke-free

On the outside of a hospital:

 hospital

Which is next to 3 of these:

 parking garage

Let me get this straight.  4 people smoking this

 cigarette

is worse than the equivalent of this?

 smog

I did my usual in-depth 1 minute search of the internet for the toxins in tobacco and came upon this website http://www.lung.org/stop-smoking/about-smoking/facts-figures/whats-in-a-cigarette.html

Note, class, that the list is in alphabetical order (You know me–I have to point out the most important things first):

 Here are a few of the chemicals in tobacco smoke, and other places they are found:

  • Acetone – found in nail polish remover
  • Acetic Acid – an ingredient in hair dye
  • Ammonia – a common household cleaner
  • Arsenic – used in rat poison
  • Benzene – found in rubber cement
  • Butane – used in lighter fluid
  • Cadmium – active component in battery acid
  • Carbon Monoxide –…

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Rant-view

Blogdramedy:

This week on NWR, FloridaBorne (our intrepid Adventure Reporter) goes where few dare to go. Into the bowels of the everyday washing machine. It’s not pretty. Check it out over at The Nudge Wink Report. Puts a whole other “spin” on how you do your laundry.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

top load

This is a rant and a review.  Thus, it is a Rant-view.

I’m going to tell you what I think of the GE top loader washing machine that I purchased over 5 years ago.  Why am I reviewing it now?  

Because GE is still selling the D@$*%d thing! 

It has 16 cycles.  It has prewash, a separate rinse cycle as well as a separate drain and spin.  It has 6 temperature selections, 5 water levels, bleach and fabric softener dispensers, it’s quiet and you can wash 2 comforters in it

Best of all it’s HE and Energy star and all that crap.

What’s not to like?

It would be nice if it actually washed the clothes!

I tried to find an image of a woman lifting a wet comforter.  Since that resulted in X-rated images I can’t repeat, I’ll try to explain how one has to do laundry in…

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